Heath judged the span of the Detroit River to be less than a mile wide. He dove into the water thinking what a great story this would make when he got home.
Twenty yards out, Heath throught to turn back, but was overpowered by the river's current. In the midst of his panic, he saw an aluminum fishing boat nearby.
"Help!" he gasped. Two hands hauled him in. Flopping on the boat's floor, Heath looked up, grateful, breathless, but his relief quickly curdled. Two old men stared at him with muddy carnal gazes.
"He'll do for the diddlin'," one said.
"Oh, he'll be dandy for the diddlin'," the other said.
Having seen the films Deliverance and Pulp Fiction, Heath got to his feet and backflipped off the boat.
He drifted to a cabin cruiser and climbed its ladder… and before him stood a fat naked man wearing a buffalo headdress, with three tanned, saggy old ladies working on his gnarled penis.
Heath dove into the river.
A kayaker approached. Incredibly, it was Heath's father. The kayaker struck him with his paddle. Heath sank beneath the waves and snagged on a boat's anchor rope. He pulled himself to the side of a boat. A single powerful hand pulled him aboard. As he flopped to the chum-filled floor, Heath was thunderstruck to find his grandmother. She shoved fish guts at him, "Have another cookie!"
Heath returned the water, fighting his way to shore. Someone threw a life-ring to him. Heath got it around his torso and was pulled to shore.
His savior was an ice cream vendor who said, "Trying to kill yourself?"
"No," Heath said. His South African accent made him sound like Dave Matthews.
"I don't have a towel," said his savior, "but this will help." Heath received a Bullion Bar.
"Thanks." There was a gold medallion on the center of the ice cream bar.
"Holy shit," said the ice cream man. "You won the Bullion Bar sweepstakes!"
Heath looked at the man, bewildered.
"Five hundred thousand dollars!" The ice cream man looked around, and then shoved Heath away. "That's mine, motherfucker." He drove off.
Heath watched him go, and thought about his beloved Pretoria.